dear mother, heart of my heart

Mother listened and shook her head: “My dear, it’s your illness that makes you talk like that.” “Mama, my joy,” he said, “it’s not possible for there to be no masters and servants, but let me also be the servant of my servant of my servants, the same as they are to me. And I shall also tell you, dear mother, that each of us is guilty in everything before everyone, and I most of all.” At that mother even smiled, she wept and smiled: “How can it be,” she said, “that you are the most guilty before everyone? There are murderers and robbers, and how have you managed to sin so that you should accuse yourself most of all?” “Dear mother, heart of my heart,” he said (he had begun saying such unexpected, endearing words), “heart of my heart, my joyful one, you must know that verily each of us is guilty before everyone, for everyone and everything. I do not know how to explain it to you, but I feel it so strongly that it pains me… “You take too many sins upon yourself,” mother would weep. “Dear mother, my joy, I am weeping from gladness, not from grief; I want to be guilty before them, only I cannot explain it to you, for I do not even know how to love them. Let me be sinful before everyone, but so that everyone will forgive me, and that is paradise. Am I not in paradise now?” –Fyodor Dostoevsky in The Brothers Karamazov

above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins – I Peter 4:8

for to be able to love a man in spite of his weaknesses and errors and imperfections is not perfect love; it is rather to be able to find him lovable in spite of and together with his weakness and errors and imperfections - Søren Kierkegaard in ‘Works of Love’

This is probably the most difficult aspect of the task and yet this is also perhaps the highest expression of love one could give to another. The task of Christian love is to love your neighbor as yourself, all men, without distinction, even in their sin and imperfection. We’ve already seen how difficult this task has turned out to be for the existing individual and now it has become even harder, at least for myself. We are all sinners. We are, everyone of us, totally equal before God. No one is better than anyone else in the world, because before God we all become nothing and worldly distinctions fade away. This is a truth that we do not readily accept because it is just so contrary to how we naturally think. We have barriers that we have built in ourselves that we must tear down before we are able to love in truth.

We have a self-love (a self-love in the wrong way) that is an impediment to us understanding our fundamental equality as human beings; it is a self-love that wants to assert our worth above others; it is a self-love that thinks we deserve credit for our actions before God. This is a misunderstanding of the God-relationship. It is not a mutual benefit relationship: we deserve nothing, yet God provides. The temptation is to think of the God-relationship in worldly terms and this is a misunderstanding. Christianity calls for the individual to become nothing before God, because that is his true self; all else is an evasion, a lie. This is a terrifying thought because it demands transparency and complete openness. Before God, your worldly distinctions, your mask that you have worked so long to create and to perpetuate before others: these distinctions have no merit before God, because we are all equal before Him. Your status in the world all that you have is meaningless because as God has given He can take away from you. He can demand all from you in an instant: how would you respond? Your self-love responds in anger because you feel that you deserve better or that God was unjust or unfair in the lot that you have been given in life. But the truth is that you are worthy of nothing, yet God provides. A man sins against you. In your self-love you judge that person for their sin. A man is trapped by a sin and this is revealed to you. In your self-love you judge his imperfection. But who are you judging? Is it not yourself that you are judging? Who are you to decry the sins of others when you yourself are in sin? You are doing nothing but compounding sin upon sin and falling further away. The God-relationship is not the only place that suffers. In your relationships to others, if your view towards them is one clouded by self-love, then you are not loving in truth. Others become ways for you to build yourself up or to gain some advantage from the relationship. You are attempting to place yourself above others but we are all equal before God. Who is it that you are really loving? Is it not yourself then? Relationships to others are only understood in relation to how you are affected by them. They become wholly conditional and dry up as soon as the well of esteem and prestige from others dries up. Your commitment is to a source that is finite and subject to change. Others will always in one way or another disappoint you; they will fail to follow through for you; they will fail to build you up in the way you would like them to: and therefore you live in despair. Your stock is placed in a conditional ‘love’ that is subject to change at any moment, for God can demand all from you in an instant.

The masks we create for ourselves also prevent us from loving one another in truth. The demand is openness and transparency before God, yet we don’t want to give up these masks because with it on we do not feel the threat of eternity. We pride ourselves in our ability to fool those around us, even thinking God is fooled, but we are only fooling ourselves. One becomes inauthentic. You are only evading your true self and making excuses so you don’t have to take responsibility for yourself. You fool yourself thinking you can hide, but there is no where you can run to. An account for your actions will be demanded from you: will you deny yourself? Because isn’t that the defense, to deny that you are the choices and experiences that have created you? The task then becomes to resist the urge to flee from yourself and to face the truth, no matter the difficulty. You cannot run forever and eventually an account will be demanded of you: are you using your time and life experience wisely? The mask leads us to believe that we have hidden ourselves from everyone else, like Adam in the Garden. But God’s interest is in the individual and He can pick you out from your hiding and before Him there is no mask clever enough that can cover you. We create personas for ourselves and create parts to play so that we can be who we think others want us to be. In the world, you are judged by how great of an actor you are before men; if no one suspects anything, then you have won. Before God it is reversed: being an actor puts you further from God, where acknowledging yourself as a sinner and imperfect brings you closer. There is no love for the other when the mask is involved. The mask pervades through all relationships and prevents authenticity. You are just suffering from more self-love. You don’t give enough of yourself away, only just the amount so that the mask still stays intact; however, you think you fooled the other into thinking the mask has fallen. Yes, that is how good you are at keeping the mask in place. You know the limits and just how to exploit them. When you think others think you are being open and true, you think you have won; yet, before God there is only the truth. One is terrified of this thought, one may even think that God is being unjust, but it is we who are mistaken in this thought. You have nothing to lose (because you have and are nothing) and only the world to gain through the God-relationship, because He has overcome the world.

So we see how self-love, in its many forms, is a barrier to loving others in truth. Dostoevsky writes that we are to become guilty before all and take the sins of others upon ourselves out of love and compassion. Isn’t this a beautiful thought? We are all sinners and we are all equal before God. In love, let us share the burden of sin amongst one another so that we become as equals and are able, in strength, to bear the burden of sin as a body of believers in Christ. Worldly distinctions call us away from this equality, but in distinction there is no true love. True love is only in equality before God, who is Himself love.

Our love for others must not be a conditional love: it must be unconditional. The barrier of self-love teaches us that we love others to our advantage, but this is a conditional love and it is subject to change or variation. Love in truth, however, is unconditional because it is resting in an eternal source. Loving another in their sin and imperfection does not occur if the love is dependent on external characteristics of the individual, because we are all sinners and humans, so there will be disappointment if our source of love is solely in the conditional, for no one will be able to live up to our expectations. In conditional love, we are only loving the mask. Instead, love them in spirit for their inwardness, see beyond the mask and play-acting, love them for who they are in truth. This is Christian love. It is our mutual brokenness that bonds us together as we become guilty before all and bear one another’s burdens. We are all equal before God and there is no mask.

This is not easy, for we naturally base our love on the appearance of the mask. We are unwilling to look beyond it, nor is the other so readily willing to remove the mask before you, and this is the condition in which we find ourselves. Loving becomes a difficult enterprise that demands much of us if we are unwilling to completely remove the mask be who we are in truth before God and others. Only Christian love loves the neighbor in truth, because it is an eternal love not rooted in the conditional, but the unconditional. One can only take part in this joy once he has the blessings of eternity within himself first. Only through experiencing the eternal love and forgiveness of God’s love in our own lives are we able to love one another in truth. This is the as yourself of the task. But this is self-love in the right way, in the way God intends. The self-love comes from becoming nothing before God and others and becoming guilty for all and before all. All other self-love is pride and vanity; self-love in truth is acknowledging the other and the mutual condition of sinfulness between you as equals before God. This is where the beauty of friendship is so important, at least in my opinion. Friendship is not false superficiality, true friendship is mutual openness before one another and expressing love unconditionally no matter the sins or faults that we may perceive in the other. You have no right to judge for you are no better than the other. The mutual brokenness is humbling but also a source of great comfort. You understand that you are not alone in the world, that there are others that face the same problems as you, even though it may be in a different form. The other is also one before whom you must be held accountable. You can only bear the burdens of others if you and the other are willing to remove the mask before one another, because true love does not love the mask, it loves the spirit. You have a partner is your walk with Christ; you learn from one another, especially the mistakes of one another; you learn that the burden of life is much easier to bear when you have an other that shares it with you.

if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring them back, remember this: whoever turns the sinner away from error will save them from death and cover a multitude of sins – James 5:20

We are all no different. We are all sinners. I say all these words to you, but I admit I fail at this in practice, for I am a sinner after all. I have been slowly learning the importance of being open and transparent before myself, God and others. I have been noticing my defense mechanisms and my natural inclination to hide behind the mask. Luckily, God has provided (and is providing) with a wealth of friends before whom I can remove the mask at long last and be accepted for who I am. I am the sum of my choices and life-experiences. This very existentialist idea has truth behind it. Us not accepting these aspects of ourselves is an evasion; we become inauthentic. Authenticity demands responsibility and acceptance of who we are in truth before God, for God has given us this life and provided us these experiences for a purpose. every good and perfect gift is from above. Our denial of ourselves essentially means we deny that God gives good and perfect gifts, which is a misunderstanding. Do not hide from yourself any longer (and as I speak to you, I speak to myself first of all) become who you are in truth, remove the mask, and humble yourself before God and others. Only in this is love and equality among men possible.

action action action

‘precisely because existence will test you, test your love or whether there is love in you, for this very reason with the help of the understanding it presents you with truth and deception as two equal possibilities in contrast to each other, so that there must be a revelation of what is in you since you judge, that is, since in judging you choose. Alas, many think that judgment is something reserved for the far side of the grave, and so it is. But one forgets that judgment lies much closer, that it takes place every moment, because existence judges you every moment you live, inasmuch as to live is to judge oneself, to become open’ –Søren Kierkegaard in ‘Works of Love’

We are confronted with an epistemological problem when we are speaking of the existing individual. How does knowledge relate to how one lives one’s life? Clearly there is a difference between knowledge and action, but one must consider where that line meets and how the two interact with each other. In Concluding Unscientific Postscript, Johannes Climacus (one of Kierkegaard’s pseudonyms) argues the claim that ‘truth is subjectivity and subjectivity is inwardness’. This is made in reference to the issue of Christianity and how an objective, world-historical event i.e. such as Jesus, God being on earth, is related to how we live our daily lives. In this case something external (and in ancient history) has internal, present effects and consequences. This doesn’t makes sense right away, nor should it because this is a paradox of faith and Christianity. So how does this happen? This depends, for example, on one’s relation to the utterance of: Christ was fully God and fully man, died for the forgiveness of sins and thus through Him I receive salvation and eternal life. The utterance itself means nothing, they are just words; the meaning comes from how you stand in relation to the utterance. If you are a Christian, this statement has plenty of meaning because it pertains to you specifically, right now and how you are living your life. The relation comes about by a choice given to us by our Christian freedom in Christ. The words are presented to us, so what do we do with the information? This is where the decisive leap to faith comes in; where the paradox has its purpose. According to Climacus, the paradox of faith results in our experiencing passion in our inner being. Essentially, the passion derives from our choosing, on the strength of the absurd, the paradox and entering into a subjective relation to it. He also gives us a definition of truth, according to subjectivity: “An objective uncertainty, held fast through appropriation with the most passionate inwardness, is the truth, the highest truth there is for an existing person.” By objective uncertainty, he explains that our knowledge of history is essentially only an approximation because, on the one hand, the facts aren’t all in and there are still volumes and volumes of information to be gathered about events in history that truth ends up only being an approximation. This uncertainty is precisely where the choice comes in. It isn’t a matter of just receiving knowledge. No, it is us taking that knowledge and applying to our existing selves.

the definition of truth stated above is a paraphrasing of faith. without risk, no faith. faith is the contradiction between the infinite passion of inwardness and the objective uncertainty. If I am able to apprehend God objectively, I do not have faith; but because I cannot do this, I must have faith. If I want to keep myself in faith, I must continually see to it that I hold fast to the objective uncertainty, see to it that in the objective uncertainty I am ‘out on 70,000 fathoms of water’ and still have faith’ - Søren Kierkegaard in ‘Concluding Unscientific Postscript’

Jesus spoke to the people in parables for the reason that, instead of the knowledge he was imparting them becoming just more facts to be disputed, judged or approximated, he spoke to them in such a way that the truth would come to them through applying what they learned in the lesson to their daily lives. In this way, one’s only relation to Jesus’ lessons are essentially through application or ‘appropriation’ because they apply specifically to the existing individual and his walk in faith. An either/or is implicit in each of Jesus’ parables: either you follow their instruction or you don’t; or, either you follow God or you don’t. The inward passion results in the choice, in the expression of one’s freedom. You are choosing for yourself and you are choosing the Good, thus this is your expression of faith. In choosing the Good, you are proving that you have entered into the right relation to God, because you could only have chosen the Good if the condition was provided to you first by your relation to God. Thus, you have a standard of judging and a right and wrong answer available to you: either you choose right or you choose wrong; or, either you follow God or you don’t. In this way, faith is less a belief, so to speak, but more of an action. A belief implies that you simply believe that something is true or that something is false. But an action involves choice, it involves doing one thing instead of another; it involves an either/or. Living in faith isn’t just living in belief of something, it means to live by acting according to faith.

do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. do what it says. those who listen to the word but do not do what it says are like people who look at their faces in a mirror and, after looking at themselves, go away and immediately forget what they look like. but those who look intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continue in it – not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it – they will be blessed in what they do – James 1:22-25

Just saying the words, I am a Christian, do not make you a Christian, it takes the action that the statement implies. If you have salvation and eternal life and are in faith, this should be part of your life-view and perception of events in the world. So Christianity is a matter of inwardness (as we decided above) and is also a matter of action.

Martin Luther wanted to remove James from the Bible because he felt that James put too much emphasis on the ‘works’ of Christianity and less on the ‘faith alone’ aspect. I see his argument, but what does living by ‘faith alone’ really mean? The phrase does seem to imply anything about the existing individual, only sounds like a type of knowledge. Perhaps I am just misunderstanding what is meant by ‘faith alone’, but ‘faith alone’ seems useless unless there is action or some type of inward relation accompanied to the phrase. James 2:14-24 says straight out that faith alone, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead (James 2:17). Faith needs works, it needs action – or it is dead. These are strong apostolic words: is dead. If our task is to love one’s neighbor, without distinction, even in their sin and imperfection, then our faith must be expressed through action, namely: through love.

Yes, love is a ‘good and perfect gift from above’ and it is an action that necessarily follows faith. Without faith, no love. Love is an action that results from choice. Our choice of faith and our relation to God has certain active, existential consequences. Loving one’s neighbor results from first loving ourselves – loving ourselves by entering into a subjective, inward relation to God and by making the movement of faith. From this results: love. Yet, the same still applies here to love, that saying that you must love one’s neighbor is a different matter than actually loving one’s neighbor. This is true only true when faith is chosen in freedom and one rests transparently in the Creator and humbly at His feet; only true when the command becomes an appropriation and becomes a daily action for the existing individual. Without action, faith is dead.

the unburdening of transparency

I don’t think I can do it. I find it easy to type up the tasks that Christianity is demanding of me and explain them in a way I can understand, etc. But it is an entirely different matter to live them in actuality. Isn’t this the issue with modern day Christianity? I am immediately reminded of the chapter in Dostoevsky’s Братья Карамазовы entitled “The Grand Inquisitor”, which if you haven’t read it yet, you simply must because it is one of the most powerful and beautiful things I have ever read.

Ivan Karamazov, an intellectual, is having lunch with his brother Alyosha, a devout Russian Orthodox monk and they are discussing spiritual matters, specifically the goodness of God. Ivan argues that God is not an all good God because suffering children exist in the world. A God that allows children to suffer is not a God he will accept. Even though he claims to believe in God, he says he faithfully “returns him the ticket” and will not abide by His creation. Ivan goes on to say that he does have “faith like a child that all will be made up for” in the end and that in eternity we will see the contradictions and human atrocities that have been committed on Earth in reality did serve as good and perfect gifts from above, but at the same time, he is not satisfied with everything being solved in eternity and demands an explanation for the present time and since one is not offered he simply refuses God on these terms.

This is not the curious part however. Alyosha claims his brother is in rebellion and that if he is looking for one who would have the right to forgive for all the injustice in the world, there is one: Christ and He gave his innocent blood for everything. At the mention of Christ, Ivan proposes that he has a story to tell, the story of The Grand Inquisitor. The setting Seville, Spain during the Spanish Inquisition in the 15^th century and Jesus has returned, unannounced and only for a moment, and even though he made no declaration of his presence, everyone at once knew who was walking among them. He began performing small miracles in the streets, even bringing a small child back from the dead. At the sight of this man performing miracles, the Grand Inquisitor, who saw everything and knew at once who he was, had him arrested. The questioning begins and the Inquisitor asks repeatedly, “Why have you come here now?” claiming that they had everything under control and didn’t need him to return because they have taken care of everything. What he was afraid of was the freedom of faith that Jesus would return to his people. The Inquisitor claims that that freedom wouldn’t be necessary because no man wants that burden and gladly would give that burden over to them. Passages from Matthew 4, where Jesus is tested in the wilderness by Satan, are cited and explained in reference to the issue of human freedom. He discusses the three tests, but I’m mostly concerned with the first test.

after fasting forty days and forty nights, he [Jesus] was hungry. the tempter came to him and said, ‘if you are the son of God, tell these stones to become bread’. Jesus answered, ‘It is written: ‘people do not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God (Deuteronomy 8:3)’ – Matthew 4:2-4

Here Jesus is denying earthly bread for heavenly bread. How often is that the case where a person, existing, will deny an earthly reward or pleasure for the pleasures and rewards of heaven? Isn’t it just too difficult? Yet, that is precisely how we must act: we are to reject the earthly bread for what is higher, as Jesus did. The Inquisitor states that he is relieving man of this terrible burden and they are humbly placing that burden at their feet. They, the Inquisitors, are the providers of earthly bread and make sure that when man has laid that burden at their feet, they are ultimately unaware of the consequences and still they continue to think themselves free. Yet, they have become nothing but mere slaves to the world. But this is no easy task. Imagine fasting for forty days and then denying bread when it is offered to you. This takes strength of will and severe patience, yet because Christ overcame such a test, we too have the ability to overcome this same test.

We repeatedly give away our gift of freedom to the world because it scares us to know that we are responsible and accountable to ourselves and before God. We would rather give that burden away and make excuses that attempt to justify our weaknesses and we accept the earthly bread without a second thought. Isn’t it so much easier to blame our shortcomings on our births, our heritage, our age, our circumstances? When in fact we have this beautiful gift of freedom that allows us to take this responsibility and thus enter into a relation to God by accepting this gift and blessing. We begin to have a better understanding of ourselves and our relation to God and others once we have understood that we are responsible and accountable for ourselves and that we do have a guide that goes with us so we are not alone in our freedom.

Freedom is a burden, but it is a beautiful burden because we no longer need to make excuses for anything because we are who we are in truth, in the present, and no longer hiding away from ourselves. That is the case isn’t it? We give up our freedom because we wish to hide from ourselves, our true selves. We would rather assume this persona, this mask, because it is much easier that way and we are relieved of the fear of openness and transparency. Because that is what we are afraid of the most, isn’t it? Our freedom forces us to be transparent and no longer concealed and that terrifies us to our core. We would prefer to cover ourselves with leaves and hideaway in the garden from God’s presence. But as Adam and Eve soon learned: there is no hiding from God. Sooner or later, transparency is demanded of you, of every one of us. When that time comes, I ask you, which bread are you accepting? Are you really free?

it is for freedom that Christ has set us free. stand firm, then, do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery – Galatians 5:1

Notice how Paul says that the burden is not freedom but one’s giving up of one’s freedom. Though the task of transparency before yourself and God is a fearful one, its reward is eternal and its significance for you as an existing individual in the world a necessary for the life of faith. One who is not responsible for himself and lives as if he is a third party observing his actions at a distance is not really living. He is only a shadow of a person. So, one can even see the temporal benefit of freedom, because only in acceptance of one’s freedom are we truly living. The either/ors of existence, our choices and ability to choose, give us a passion for living because through action we are living out our gift and blessing from God, our freedom, which, as all things, is a good and perfect gift from above. So now the difficulty of Christianity presents itself: living it in truth.

the cost of discipleship

‘whoever comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and even life itself, cannot be my disciple. whoever does not carry my cross and follow me cannot be my disciple. for which of you intending to build a tower, does not first sit down and estimate the cost, to see whether he has enough to complete it? otherwise, when he has laid the foundation and is unable to finish, all who see it will begin to ridicule him, saying: ‘this fellow began to build but was not able to finish’… Luke 14:26-30

Who has heard these words and yet did not fear the command that they imply? Such harsh words, such dreadful words to the ear of the humble Christ-follower. Must we leave our homes like this? How could God demand this of us, I hear some of you cry. Truly, this is a commandment that, in itself, could take a lifetime to fulfill. But this is the demand of Christianity. Are you ready?

but wait, you ask. I thought the task was to love one’s neighbor? Yes, so what is this about hating one’s father and mother? Doesn’t it seem to contradict the commandment ‘you shall love your neighbor as yourself? Only look closer: the parable reveals what we have missed. Notice, the tower-builder has the foundation but cannot complete his project. He has overlooked something… Ah, this is turning out much like my previous entry. Our man has forgotten something vital in his relation to God; they have missed the same step (but don’t we all?), but for a different reason. He has laid the foundation but cannot build further because he lacks the necessary materials. We discussed previously that before love to others could take place we must first fulfill the necessary as yourself of the commandment. This is only completed by resting transparently in the Creator and humbling yourself before God and accepting his love and blessing, because He is love. Once you have accepted true love and true blessing from God, who is love, you have learned what it means to have true Christian self-love because you are no longer residing in despair but resting in relation to God, who Himself is love. We also concluded that this is a very difficult, yet certainly not impossible, task for every human being. It requires true openness and ability to see beyond distinction and reach into the infinite, eternal side of man as well as reconciling the temporal and finite side of man. This is how true self-hood is achieved, according to Anti-Climacus.

So now with acquiring the materials for building. Before becoming a true self, there is the double-movement that leads to faith. The movement of resignation is where the finite world is reconciled away in place of the infinite, then followed by the movement of faith under the guidance of God where, on the strength of the absurd, the finite is reclaimed and we can live in the world as a new being in Christ. The first movement of resignation cannot be skipped over and is a necessary step in the Christian’s journey. He must become reconciled to existence before he can truly live in the world. So if this step cannot be skipped, then we must obey the demands it presses on us. Jesus tells us here that whoever comes to me and does not hate his father and mother…cannot be my disciple meaning that in order to be a disciple of Christ we must hate our father and mother. But who can do such a thing? Yet, this is the demand. Again I hear you ringing: how could God demand this of us?

The task is to love your neighbor, which is all men, without distinction, even in their sin and imperfection. without distinction. This task is just as difficult as the first; easily a task that could fulfill a lifetime of work. This is not how we usually perceive our love of others. We often love those we are closest to more than the common individual we see; there are those we hold closer to our hearts than others. This presents a problem for us loving all men equally. Moreover, this present a problem for us loving God with our full attention. Our beloved, our parents, our friends, all these are potential temptations for us. Now, before I go further, let me clarify: what I mean is that we are not to love these until we are able to love them in the right way. As it stands, we do not love them in the right way, at least it is that way for me. It begins with the God-relationship because before you can love another you need to receive love and blessings from God. This helped us to love all the men we see and it is now the same love we are able to use in loving others without distinction.

In as sense, we must earn the ability to have our beloveds or to love our friends or our parents because we must understand that the God-relationship comes first and we must devote an infinite passion to that relationship. Worldly relationships are bound to disappointment, and it is only through the step of faith that worldly disappointment is reconciled away because you then are resting in God where ‘every good and every perfect gift is from above’ (James 1:17). You are no longer disappointed by your relationships in the world. The fear of loving but not being loved in return or being loved less than you are loving an individual often leads one to not giving his full love to anyone but those he chooses. This is not loving in the right way; this is not loving without distinction. Through the God-relationship we have the love of the eternal and the infinite capacity it has to love all men, without distinction, even in their sin and imperfection. So, now you are able to love your beloved, your friend and your parents in the right way, because you have understood true Christian self-love and fulfilled the law as Jesus commanded and can now love your neighbor in truth. But none of this happens if we continue to not hate our mother and father and beloved. Until we have made this step and received the love and blessings individually from God, we cannot possess true, genuine love for that is reserved only for those who first receive it from God, who is love.

Perhaps these words aren’t so dreadful after all. In reality, they help you to love your loved ones better than you ever could alone, for now you have the strength of the eternal on your side. You are really doing them a favor by this because you are now loving them in truth, without distinction, even in their sin and imperfection.

let us love in truth and action

let us love, not in word or speech, but in truth and action. and by this we know that we are of the truth and shall assure our hearts before him. for if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart and knows all things. beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence toward God. and whatever we ask we receive from Him, because we keep His commandments and do what is pleasing in His sight. and this is His commandment: that we should believe on the name of His Son Jesus Christ and love one another, as he gave us commandment. now he who keeps His commandments abides in Him and He in him. and by this we know that He abides in us, by the spirit whom He has given us. –I John 3:18-24

So this is the task. We must love one another in truth and action. Who could accomplish this? Where does one even begin? We are to love our neighbor as ourselves, Scripture tells us; we are to love our neighbor, all men, without distinction, even in their sin and imperfection. Ask yourself if you are capable of such a love. Is this not one of the most difficult of tasks for a human being? Yet, this is what we are called to do for Love is the fulfillment of the law. Love in truth also calls us to bear the burdens of our neighbors (Galatians 6:2). We are to help each other along in life by sharing the load and weight of our sin and suffering between ourselves. Dare I say we are even to become responsible for the sins of all men, in a sense, because in that way we show true equality among every man. So this is the task. Who could accomplish this in truth?

A young man sets out to perform this task. He professes his love for every man that he sees; he feels within him that this is a true feeling. He believes he is expressing love for his neighbor as he should. How long would you say this man could keep up this enthusiasm? One would be mistaken if he were to say that this is something he could maintain for the rest of his life. It is inhuman, he might say. Who is so strong that he sees all men without distinction and can love them, even in their sin and imperfection? He laments his inability to perform the task efficiently and so he contents himself with showing Christian brotherly love only on occasion, or when the opportunity so presents itself. I ask you though, is he any longer performing the task? The answer is no. Yes, he is right to lament, for no human alone can accomplish so strenuous a feat. The young man has missed a vital step. Man is a finite creature, bound by necessity and temporality; he is prone to worldly wants and often places absolute value in relative, finite ends. This is his condition: despair. Yet, this despair is not a condition that man is incapable of escaping from. He has only one true escape: relation to God. Yes, so the code has been cracked. I give up the finite world and all its disappointments, the man says. He chooses only God and lives with his focus entirely on eternity and the infinite of God’s nature and power. Though I say still that he has not changed his condition; he is still in despair. What? How could this be possible? Dear one, you have devoted yourself to the infinite and the eternal, but you are forgetting the most important thing: you are a finite, temporal being. No matter how long you try to escape into the infinite, the finite will always be there, demanding from you that you return to its grasp. Now, what is the man to do? The finite world has been resigned away to infinity, and yet not even infinity alone can provide him the eternal happiness he seeks. You are so close, friend, do you not see the answer?

Perhaps, he cannot see the answer because it is absurd. A human being is a spirit; he is a synthesis of the infinite and the finite, the temporal and eternal. This is why you have failed for so long, friend. You have not understood the reality of your condition. You have made the step of infinity and resigned the finite world away and chosen the infinite, but you cannot exist there: you must return to the finite eventually. He is where the difficulty lies: after resigning away the finite, you take it back. This is the paradox of faith, as Kierkegaard calls it. What? That is just ludicrous! Yet, this is the task. Death to immediacy and worldly desires, no doubt, causes suffering within us but this suffering is precisely the Christian’s strength. You are a finite being with the eternal abiding in you and you are called to love your neighbor as yourself. Do you see now the step you missed? This as yourself is an implication that must precede the action of loving one’s neighbor. Too often have people not grasped the power of this statement; too often have they forgotten the first step that must be taken.

Jesus says in Matthew 6:33 that we must seek first God’s kingdom and His righteousness before we can become like the bird of the air or the lily of the field; before we can truly live as a Christian ought to live. Furthermore, Philippians 2:1-16 details that we must first receive blessings like love, freedom, purpose and consolation from God before we can ever experience them in our own lives or spread them to others. In other words, we cannot love in truth until we have entered into a relationship with God. The paradox of faith is the infinite passion with which we are able to love our neighbor in full and it will be an eternal love, a divine love; first, we must experience the inwardness of faith before we can love another in truth. This task you thought was so easy at first has now just become the most difficult task a human being can undertake – but also the most rewarding.

In expressing true love for our neighbor, we must, in truth, become a neighbor ourselves. By becoming a neighbor ourselves we see the need for brotherly love. It teaches us to be compassionate towards our fellow man. Yes, indeed another paradox has come up in this discussion: we must become servants of one another to gain true freedom. Only in loving one’s neighbor do we achieve Christian freedom. We are also given equality. The irony is that the world, in not professing love for one’s neighbor on the account that it makes one unable to do what he wishes, there is more disunity and slavery because their absolute relation is to a relative ends. This is not so for the Christian. His task is eternal, for his neighbor is always before him and his love is an infinite love.

Dostoevsky writes: Love man also in his sin, for this likeness of God’s love is the height of love on Earth. So this is the task. Who could accomplish it? The answer to this question is that everyone has the ability to do so; specifically you. This is your calling and your task as an individual in relation to God. He loved you in your sin and you shall, in the likeness of Christ, love every man, without distinction, even in their sin and imperfection. The task has been set: you know what you must do.

the unhappiest one.

He [the unhappiest one] enjoys the honor of being regarded as being in his right mind, and yet he knows that if he were to explain himself to anyone how it really is with him, he would be declared insane. This is enough to drive one mad, and yet this does not happen, and this is precisely his trouble. His calamity is that he came into the world too early and therefore continually comes too late.

He is continually very close to the goal, and at the same moment he is far from it; he then discovers that what is making him unhappy now, because he has it or because he is this way, is precisely what would have made him happy a few years ago if he had had it, whereas he became unhappy because he did not have it.[…]

His life knows no repose and has no content. He is not present to himself in the moment, nor is he present to himself in the future, for the future has been experienced, nor in past time, for the past has not yet come.[…]

Abandoned to himself, he stands alone in the wide world; he has no contemporaries to attach himself to, no past he can long for because the past has not yet come, no future he can hope for, because his future is already past. All alone. he faces the whole world as the ‘you’ with whom he is on conflict, for the rest of the world is for him only one person, and this person, this inseparable bothersome friend, is misunderstanding. He cannot grow old, for he has never been young; he cannot become young, for he has already grown old in a sense, he cannot die, for indeed he has not lived; in a sense he cannot live, for he is already dead.

He cannot love, for love is always present tense, and he has no present time, no future, no past, and yet he has a sympathetic nature, and he hates the world only because he loves it; he has no passion, not because he lacks it, but because at the same moment he has the opposite passion; he does not have time for anything, not because his time is filled with something else, but because he has no time at all; he is powerless, not because he lacks energy, but because his own energy makes him powerless.

-soren kierkegaard

hairdresser on fire.

things that ruined my summer:

john calvin & the five points of calvinism

soren kierkegaard - the seducer's diary

distance

various '-isms'

mitral valve prolapse(mvp)

anxiety

depression

insomnia

skull-crushing migraines

c.s. lewis - the screwtape letters(an issue of bad timing)

mitral valve prolapse, again

chronic writers-block

myself

things that saved my summer:

fyodor dostoevsky - the brothers karamazov

katelyn carter(bff)

two weeks in iowa with girl and landscape

weekend trip to TVR with sofia cantrill

friends, essentially

soren kierkegaard - either/or (minus the seducer's diary chapter) & fear and trembling

dexter

prospect of the next semester beginning again soon

secret cover songs

annie hall

goethe - faust

ella fitzgerald

does the one outweigh the other?.. I wonder..

This has been a long summer: an arduous journey to metaphorical hell and back, yet mixed with some of the best fun of my life. Too exhausting. I would have never imagined that doing mostly nothing would have been like this. I've had enough of it. The summer has ended and the next semester begins now. Friends are returning and my best friend will be joining as I soon move myself downtown. I have high hopes for this coming semester. Don't let me down CofC. You've done well so far..